Purposeful Reluctance

I slip into denial every time I need to deal with cancer related things. I go to my follow-up CT or PET scans with other things on my mind (need to get a bid out to client; need finish grading projects; need to buy white tights for Emma's dance recital). Against what I know I should be doing, I am simply not present when I go through these tests. I am barely around physically as I always make sure I show up late. I don't tell my family about the tests until the very morning of the exams. I just don't want to have cancer (or even CT /PET scans) a subject of conversation.


The follow-up meeting with my oncologist forces me to focus a bit more. My doctor always swings the door open and bursts into the examination room with an opening statement that sets the tone for the entire meeting. For the past year, his opening line has been, "Your scans look great." No "hello" or "nice to see you again" as an introduction. Just, "your scans look great!"


And so my meeting on Monday was upbeat as usual. He actually closed our session with "You are too healthy to be here." Always a nice thing to hear from your doctor. Looks like my tests will now be extended to every 6 months. At some point, I will go to just annual scans.

And that little thingy in the lymph nodes? He said they did show up on the scan, but that they are completely normal. I should just wait to hear my doctor's opening line rather than get information from the nurse (who always manages to scare me with minor things when I call for the results.)

So all is good until my next CT/PET scan in mid October when I get to return to purposeful reluctance for a few hours.

Here is a picture of some cancer-wear for sale in the oncology office.