The Daddy

I once read in a magazine article about Bill Gates and his passion for board games.  As I remember from the piece, Bill grew up in a home that relished the spirit of competition.  The play was serious and winning was important. Bill continued his love of mentally challenging games with Paul Allen and Steve Ballmer, buddies from high school and college.   The article said Gates  was especially fond of the game of  Risk.

I remember reading this article and thinking how Bill Gates and his family and friends seemed so different from me.  I don't like games. I didn't grow up with games. I didn't have friends who like games. Then I met David.

To say the least, David didn't marry me because I share his interest in board games. Apparently no one else in David's family liked playing games with him either.  I guess they got tired of always losing to David too.

Fortunately, David's interest in solving problems and puzzles has led to his academic research in the area of  randomness and computation.  Here is an essay David wrote for a general audience called, "Can Random Coin Flips Speed Up a Computer?"

Recently, David showed Emma this new game, RoboZZle.  This blog discusses RoboZZle, a robot programming game that demonstrates the essential elements of algorithms used to solve complex problems. Emma seems to like playing this game almost as much as watching episodes of Electric Company.

After receiving my "Most Important Thing About Mom" book last May, Emma and I thought that it would be only fair for Emma to create a similar tribute for the "The Daddy Pataddy" (as we like like to call him).  Emma wrote this lovely poem for her daddy which she gave to David on Father's Day.

It seems as if Emma gave her daddy the ultimate Father's Day gift, the gift that he always wanted but could never get from his family: an always-eager game partner.

Here is David's game of Risk. Note the heavy wear and tear on the box.

Interview with David

In reviewing the previous post, I realized I described WHAT David was doing, but not really HOW he is doing. I figure the best way to answer this question is to ask David directly. The following is the transcript from my interview with David for this blog entry.






GIGI: People always ask me how you have been doing? … So, David, how have you been doing?

DAVID: Doing OK.

GIGI: (laughing) You’ve gotta give me a little more here.

DAVID: Well the beginning was tough. It was shocking. It was very upsetting. And I felt myself “steeling” against it. What I mean is hardening myself against it. And then the news started getting somewhat better, and since then it has only gotten better. So I have been doing OK. You get used to the state of having cancer, your wife having cancer. You adjust to it. Although I wouldn’t have thought I would have adjusted to it already, but I guess I have adjusted. Now that you are feeling well, I am doing OK. It does seem temporary, so I feel this will work. I feel like in a couple of months this will be gone. Maybe in three months it will be gone and we will be back to normal. I feel like we can get through it.

GIGI: What do you think of my bald head?

DAVID: Bald is beautiful. (Gigi laughs.)

GIGI: When did you start losing your hair?

DAVID: In college I remember my mom telling me I was losing my hair and I didn’t believe her. I guess I was in denial for a long while. So I lost my hair mid way through college, perhaps.

GIGI: As a veteran, uh “baldy,” do you have any tips for me?

DAVID: If it’s cold, wear a hat.

GIGI: What about sunscreen?

DAVID: Put sunscreen on.

GIGI: What do you think of my wig?

DAVID: I like it. You look good.

GIGI: Really? Thanks.

GIGI: How has my cancer changed your life?

DAVID: Well it certainly changed. I have to worry about what might happen a little bit. But I have been denying that anything might go wrong. I have had to do more work around the house, caring for Emma and consequently less work at school. Makes you not worry about the small things.

GIGI: How do you like being interviewed?

DAVID: I don’t care for it much.

GIGI: How is your scrabble game holding up?

DAVID: Pretty good.

GIGI: You have been missing some Monday scrabble game nights.

DAVID: Oh yes, I have only gone once since this whole thing started. But I play on the computer. I will go more while you are feeling better.

GIGI: So, I want to thank you for everything you are doing around the house.

DAVID: Thank you for noticing.

How is David doing?

When I talk to people, one of the questions people always ask is, “How’s David doing?” This is an important question. If you were to ask David directly how he was doing, he would say, “Uh, um, uh, I’m doing OK.” And that would be all you would get. Now if you ask ME, how he is doing, you would get an earful, in this case you’re going to get a screen full.

First, a little background…at our wedding reception in San Francisco in 2000, David’s brother, Daniel, gave a very funny toast and made a somewhat vague (or maybe not so vague) reference to David being lazy. I caught the exchange of knowing glances between David’s mother and grandmother. Now seven years into this, I would be in on that exchange of glances.

But things have changed around here. David fixes dinner. David puts the dishes in the dishwasher. He puts the dishes away. He scrubs the pans. He goes shopping. He washes the sheets. When he is done cooking and cleaning, he deals with the medical bills. He gets Emma to bed and off to school. He arranges weekend activities. In between all his chores, he stops by the couch to ask me if he can do anything for me. He has been doing all of this while maintaining regular teaching and research responsibilities at UT.

Before I got sick, David would look up from his book and thank me for everything I did. I would stare blankly back at him and thank him for noticing. Now HE is the one thanking me for just noticing.

I have felt better recently, so now I am jumping in and helping around the house. I was once the caregiver for my sick Dad and Aunt some years back, so I know how burnout can eat at the best intentions.

In addition, David has been like a patient advocate for me. He goes to all my doctor appointments. He helps me remember what the doctor says and asks really good questions. When he is around, I feel safe and cared for.

Here’s to David and all the other caregivers out there who do everything possible for their loved one—whether it is noticed or not.


David and Emma during our trip to Mexico last summer.







Here is a picture from David’s senior year high school yearbook (1983). David is standing next to a cool guy. (Uh, David would be the one with the jacket zippered up to his chin.) If David looks confident here, it is not because he got to stand next to the cool guy. It is because he was the math team Co-Captain.